Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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