I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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