my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
