That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
