I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Hippo gnu deer
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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