i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
