Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
