There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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