On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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