I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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