Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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