I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
