I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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