Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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