he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
my being single is dangerous.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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