Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
