I looked at my own cervix.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
