My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
