I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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