Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
