I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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