yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
