Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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