I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
