when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
