it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
