We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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