ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
