She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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