I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
