im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
