You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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