I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
