god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
