I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
