im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
