I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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