Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
