Princesses don't give blow jobs
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
