Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't deserve a penis
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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