How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
