two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
