apparently the secret to your success is patron
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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