One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
