1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Someone shit on the floor
i was born a porn star she said
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
