No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
