I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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