everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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