Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My vagina just clenched in fear
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
