nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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