i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
