I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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