I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize