he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
